Contradiction.

Time passing by.
I'm going to face biology and chemistry soon.
I don't know which to study first and which should I study.
So decided study chemistry first.

Half way thru chemistry.
It's so bored.
I not in d real mood to study but force myself to study.
Well, at least I read some.
Looking at the exam paper.
I wish time would fly faster and end this painful moment.
But at the same time I wish I have more time to study.

Looking at it.
Soon it will reach the last paper.
But at the same time thought of next year plan.
Awesome!
But earth to me, back to reality.
Stop dreaming and continue my study.
Too much distraction around.
Noises.
Repairing car, pouring rain, building houses, renovating houses.

Need to concentrate.
Think about the future.
I'm so clueless already.
I don't know what I want to do and my aims.
Before there is sunlight.
Now, darkness without thunder.

Now what I'm thinking about is my birthday.
Terrible birthday.
Parents never bought me birthday surprise gift.
My parents is so boring and all I did I bought myself a birthday gift.
Can you tell how pathetic?!
Bought herself a birthday gift for herself.
Wish somebody would give me surprise but never happen anyway.

All the time, do anything I've to do it myself.
Nobody would accompany me including going tuition alone with all d strangers.
I never talk or smile in the class not because it's not funny.
Because there's nobody to share with.
I'm envy those girls that they have friends that would try anything and do anything without restrictions.
Somebody to accompany.

But now, friends and boyfriend.
Sometimes it hard to get them to accompany.
Either they busy or no car.
I don't blame them.
Just different situation.
I need help is a thousand miles away.

I'm not a difficult person
Just I'm don't really feel save with somebody I'm not close with.
I can't hold my friends hand and wrap her arms around me.
It's just not me.

When I was young, I told myself.
If a guy that I could talk to and I feel comfortable with it, he will be somebody important.
It's still true now.
In school, even my class boys, I don't feel save or comfortable.
There's still a range between them.

Like friends too.
If I could stick my hand around their neck, that will be somebody close and comfortable with.
That will be Shirley aka SBT xD
Just the feeling I'm with them.
I will open the 'door' if I'm comfortable with them.

Well, I might not be crazy.
But I can play.
Just sometimes, nobody approach.
Just want somebody to have fun.
Including him.
Nowadays, it's hard to find FUN friends.

Craps.
Peace.