Somebody asked

Somebody asked me a question.
Why u never said hi to your high school school mates?
Why u never close with them?
Why u never talk to them?
Why u never hang out with them?
Why u never...
Always started with this.

Firstly, they never said hi to me. Although I said hi first, they never replied.
They said hi to everyone except me.
So it's obvious that I'm awkward one that standing there being ignore.
Well never feel anything thou, just feel like leaving that place.

Secondly, close with them. I think I'm not till their standard? Or maybe we're in a different frequency.
We don't have any common interest.
Or common topics.
I close with some of them but not most of them.
Some since primary and some since form 1, never even speak like more than 10 sentences.
Just I'm the loner, they're like the popular ones.

Thirdly, talk to them. Very good question. Because they never talk to me before.. Don't say that I should make a move before them.. Tried and not working.
People are not meant to be.
Just some they just hang out with their same standards? Perhaps.

Fourth, hang out?! We don't even talk, how we hang out right?! But well, even thought IF we hang out, basically I will be the loner too. So basically I could just be loner myself rather than hanging out making myself even bored.

People always said that you must speak out & breakthrough to know people not waiting for them to know you.
But what I can said is if you're sincere and really want to be a friend, you won't mind which side start first.

After you know me, you will know the different.
Some people are meant to be more quiet, some are more noisy and talkative and big movement.
Sometimes it's annoying but since I'm not that close with them, that can be ignored.

Never feel sad although they ignore me in public.
Never feel angry.
Because it not something that I precious of.
High school life is never a fun life like what others usually said.
Some maybe are.. But for me, I seriously hate school. Not just the teacher & the memories too.
Especially high school.

People come and go.
I don't really care that it's worth it or not.
I know somebody someday out there..
There's more chances and people I'm meeting soon from around the world.
(:

CRUMPLE

Recently, it's not normal with me.

i'm not me anymore.

i can't handle any things that coming into my life anymore.

i really can't hold on.

one by one.

getting closer closer.

approaching a physcologist is the only way i could do right now.

every night before sleeping, thinking about it.

after waking up in the morning, thinking about it.

even dream also won't leave me alone.

why nobody wants to leave me alone?

i just want a peace of mind.

tear dries up.

heart shattered.

crashed dream.

never a new day for me.

after get used to the day he's working..

somehow, i have drown myself.

realizing that i'm just getting back off.

i hate that he work that job.

really and seriously but there's no point for say no to it.

because he done it.

and finished it.

no point of hating it anymore.

slowly day by day, getting used to it. 

accepting it with a big heart.

trying to act happy and fake when sending the message.

but it's not what i wanted to say.

behind the cell phone, it's a different side of me.

woman are fake.

and i don't know why i have to fake it.

maybe just to stay at my comfort zone from preventing getting into arguments.

protective much sometimes.

it's fine and alright.

wanted to stop devastating my parents once more.

entrance exam is nearby.

and i don't know why i feel like i don't own this.

i don't own this chance to hold on.

it is my dream?

or what my dad wanted me to be?

or just somehow people think what i should be?

after getting my result, my aunt called.

she asked why i'm like this..

how could i be that bad?

i wanted to tell her, i'm always that bad.

my result dropped and she thinks i could do a lot better than that.

she thinks i can achieve a higher level of result.

no.

i can't.

i know i shouldn't saying negative stuff.

but somehow, it's not my control anymore.

people said dating cause this.

i can say and people should believe it.

NO.

my result don't drop because i start dating.

it's just, it was never my plan or my dream to study form 6 at the first place.

i never wanted to stuck there.

it's all my dad.

what he said, i must listen.

he even told my aunt that i decided and willingly to go form 6.

how could he?

it's never the path i wanted to go.

i know the truth after getting the result.

but it's over.

somehow now, no more turning back.

it's all settled here and ended here.

what can i do more?

my head is blank right now.

i feel like giving up the entrance exam.

and i don't want to go Indonesia.

i know i'm lucky that i can go overseas and fully paid by my parents.

just something, you can't get it, you can't get it.

in the future, maybe what i want, i will get it no matter what.

maybe or maybe not.

lastly, finance.

forget about it.

really wth.

i know what can i do now.

and how much i really worth for.

i will bare it in mind.