I'm not me anymore

for quite a long time since the last time i blogged.
suddenly at this 4.17am in the morning i feel like blogging something.

gone through 1 year of uni and of course in between it many stuff happened.
i just want to clarify that what's wrong with me
because everyone, close friends trying to tell me that i'm different
yes, i couldn't agree more.
i'm different

people using you for some reason, you use other for some reason..
realised the dark side of the society and life as i grow.
backstabbing each other but try to play nice in front of them.
too fake
i understood what my dad trying to tell me all along
u can't believe anyone outside
u must believe yourselves
as i remembered what he told me, i try to stay strong all along.
try to keep out of dramas

yes, i think i did it.
but when you isolate yourselves with others, you get 1 thing that is kept yourselves in your own world
whereby you do thing according your way, u couldn't agree others
you must be very systematic, 1 is 1
but you still have the patience to tolerate with others
especially somebody that you loved and love

'i think you become more patient' she said
i laughed and say 'maybe'
you would like to help them in no matter what situation
trying to give them the best you could
but...
i don't want hurt them as well

i just don't like to do something i don't like although at last i will still do it for you
sacrifice my own way to please you because i care about you
when there's a limit for it, i wouldn't even bother to talk to you anymore
sorry, i really don't want to do thing that i don't want to do

why don't you just understand that people will become tired one day helping you
when you don't even want to help yourselves
i don't want to hurt you
but i really think you should do everything yourselves because i don't want to help you anymore
i don't want to do it anymore

seriously i don't like you playing dota
i don't like you keep stuff on the table without washing it
i don't like you play football
i don't like you always walk out the room just to find your buddy
i can't bare and stand of your dirty clothes lying all over the floor
i'm tired of telling you each every day
why don't u just change

u always tell me that u gonna change
u try to change
trying is not enough for me you know
you should be saying 'i must change'
i starting to feel weird beside you and starting to feel uncomfortable
i don't know whats that, maybe could be your words and your actions make me feel uncomfortable

my brain now like tons of stuff thrown inside it right now
i'm not tired of you is just tired of myself saying and repeating the same thing over and over again
i feel lifeless and i wouldn't do lifeless thing in my life
i want to have a meaningful life

i just... don't want to repeat myself anymore.
sorry
i'm not me anymore.

This is me.

This is who I am, and I don't get why people have to criticise for what I've did & what I'd done in my past.

I like to be alone with no crowd because I hate approaching people.
I like to be organised because I feel life without a plan is such wasted.
I like things to go my own way because I feel this is right and what the best for me.

I'm picky because I want the best for myself.
If you don't want to have the best for yourselves it's your problem.
I'm selfish because I only can trust myself no matter where am I.

I've learn what is fake. Now, I learn to adapt to it.
I've learn to keep to myself, because nobody will understand.
I've learn to hide, because its to protect myself.

But somehow no matter how to hide, or keep your bloody fucking mouth shut, and did nothing, people will still always stab u right behind & say something bad about you.

I don't have to kiss your fucking ass so I can be successful in the future.
What I will be is what I've trade in for.
I learn the hard way.
If you don't like for who I am, u can just get your own life straight and go on without me. I don't need people to bullshit me.

I don't like my life right now but I've no choice anymore.
This is not I want but I can't get what I want.
I will keep on push myself to do something what I suppose to do and not something I love to do.

No mercy.

ON MY MIND

it's Chinese New Year.

and i don't feel the spirit of the new year.

& worst is money inside the angpau is decreasing year by year.

economy getting worst or people getting stingy?

forget about it, that's not the main point.

speak out, what can u speak out by this?

recently i've some problem.

problem with people.

i've been keeping it low profile so i would keep it as you know i know situation.

but after getting telling friends, i realised i'm making mistake telling it.

i really don't feel like telling people.

i tell you because i trusted you.

but somehow, i regretted for telling.

still problem with people.

some people just self-centered.

i don't know what can i do and say to help sometimes.

i'm outta help but who can i call for help?

u've your temper so do i.

u put your temper on me and slave for your temper.

this is what i hate the most.

i don't deserve it.

you can be king and queen of the world but u ain't messing with me.

i don't like it, i hate it.

i've my dignity.

i belongs to myself.

NEW OBSESSION

again, about fashion.
saw it on some books and magazine introducing Dr Martens BOOTS.
wearing boots in malaysia.. is hot
i know! but seriously the boots looks so cute u can't barely just walk away from them.

damn nice for those boots but they don't sell it at malaysia or even singapore.
BUT then, i guess hot country won't have a chance to wear it BECAUSE it's so hot.

SHOES

recently got obsess with shoes.

and during christmas trip to Bangkok, decided to shop for shoes.

and i saw quite number of people buying Jelly Shoes.

so i decided to get a try of the Jelly Shoes - Melissa.

located at Gaysorn Plaza at Bangkok, i think Malaysia has one of it at One Utama if i'm not mistaken.

the jelly shoes cost RM 300+ as for me, it's quite expensive for a jelly shoes.

but lucky me i got it for RM100+ at Bangkok because they having sales 50%

the jelly shoes is made in Brazil, as i know quite some famous shoes also made in Brazil.

Vivienne Westwood and Jason Wu designed for Melissa.

my foot are a bit thin & somehow when i wore most of the shoes it hurts.

and as for me, i wore it for quite some times, the shoes actually just nice.

not what others say super comfy that can wear it for hours.

since it's made of plastic so it's really hurt somehow.

at the beginning, it's comfy but the material hurt my leg cause skin peeling off.

and when your foot sweat, it's sticky and uncomfortable.

but after wearing for few times, overall is pretty alright.

price that u have to pay when u want to look pretty right?

what i like about this shoes is the design is way so cute and most of the they don't have heels like most of the ballet flat. 

just don't wear this shoes to walk on the road, just stick with pavement & marble floor.

and i wouldn't suggest people to wear it for a long period of time of walking.

as for the price, quite expensive for a plastic shoes but u can get it during offer it's much more cheaper.

and quite some celebrities wearing it like Katy Perry, Blake Lively & Leona Lewis. 

so basically this shoes are just pretty alright for others.

my point of view towards this shoes.

it might not suit everyone but never try never know.

FASHION

recently saw quite number of people buying clutch for dinner etc.
as for me, a clutch doesn't have to be simple, and don't have to bring it out just for dinner.
for a normal day, u can hold on clutch for a short tea break with friends.
and recently very famous type of clutch is YSL yves saint laurent.
quite number of people buying it :D
as for me, i would like to get one when i saw it. because it's way so pretty..
very girly type of clutch.
and it cost around RM2K and above.
seriously, it's quite expensive for a leather clutch.

have been searching clutch everywhere although i haven't prepare to go for dinner yet.
but i saw this super cool and pretty clutches from Alexander McQueen.
omg *shout*
it's so cool and their famous knuckles clutch.

but seriously Alexander McQueen clutches freaking expensive.
cost around USD 1,295 even for the cheapest one.
RM 4500!
way damn expensive.
so plan to keep money.. maybe will get it when i started my intern during the 4th year.
now!
keeping money for the most pretty Balenciaga bag.
planning to get it end of this year <3 p="">Balenciaga City :D

wish to get all different colours but limited cash so just get one first will do.
so pretty!
haven't decided any colours or style YET and while waiting for newer designs or new season.
saving money + working + saving money.

<3 p="">latest obsession.

Sem break back hometown.

Well, back to this beautiful hometown soon to be invaded by Lynas.
But somehow miss all the people over here & place peaceful.
Came back for few days already.
Got busy with some immigration stuff & did my own stuff too.
But at the same time also have nothing else to do so decided to watch movies and dramas.
From Taiwan to Hong Kong, have to catch up since for a long time.

Coming back & as for today, got gathering with friends. Talked about university stuff and feel bit left out since I'm not in the local but still listen it quietly.
Mood got a bit down due to some reason.
Something changed around this town.

Memories stay forever but it will never will be reproduce anymore.
Capture moments. Love the moments. But nothing stays forever.
After struggling, I wish things will get back how it belongs. Just feeling is different right now.
Maybe I'm glad things are done & happier right now?
I don't wish anything to be perfect but at least try.
*finger crossed*
Gonna get up and stay strong to life right now.
Cry & being a coward won't change anything. Done of crying & being a coward.
Appreciate it a lot what have been done.
I wish for the best (:
Feel empty inside. I'm blank.
But nothing can be done after all.

Smile.

catch a person mind.

new year new life, i thought somebody or people would change to a new person.
just like new year resolution, somehow it ended earlier than i thought i would be.
people somehow looks good but actually they're not.
some people looks terrible but they're trying to get better.
but really i don't get why somebody have to be so pain in the ass.

i really think catching a person mind is harder than anything.
i don't get what others think.
i don't understand what others trying to do.
i don't get what people wanted to act.
i really don't get what they'd changed into.

doing something is not an easy job.
but please don't do to please somebody.
it's really annoyed.
people used to be nice and friendly.
but now used to be misterious and creepy.

i don't like to hang out with people anymore.
because they'd changed.
i don't like to talk to people anymore.
because they don't say the truth anymore.
i don't like to putting hope on people anymore.
because they will dissapointed you again.

new year resolution : being alone as usual.