it has been a long time.

it has been a very long time since blogging?
well, now it's a very good time to blog because i'm rotting at home.
so, decided to blog something else.

working from monday - friday.
it's a okay job i guess.
just looking through like millions of money that i never will get.
sigh, but it was alright..
days getting by day by day..
but i have to make one thing clear.

before this, i asked friends that helped out at tzu chi performance.
but i asked like few.
then some of them said sunday they can't help.. well for me it's fine..
at least can help out on saturday..
then suddenly some said they can't go anymore..
okay, fine.
last minute, some said they don't feel like going.
okay, fine.
so i called my aunt to tell her that they can't go, and she get angry on me.
said why my friend not responsible..
why they don't want help out..

i was like.. i don't know how to say at all.
and at last, my aunt doesn't even want me to help out anymore.
i was like.. helpless.
but there's one thing very clear in my head...
somebody asked : you didn't go help meh? why asked me?
i was like.. okay fine.
seriously, i didn't blame you all.
just forget about it.
feel like make things clear about it.

# education.
seriously, when u gone for the wrong path from the beginning, everything have to start over again.
if my dad would throw me in college, i wouldn't be here hanging in the middle struggling.
but there's no if and no turning back time anymore.
now parents arguing, fed up, scolding..
who to blame?
always me for not studying well..
not getting good result..

but do they know, from the beginning i told them i never wanted to go for form 6 at all.
never ever in my life.
told them like hundreds of times.
but still ignored.
now no turning back, not wasting any time.
have to go on to some foundation course..
and now i realised foundation course is easy.

now nobody can help me at all.
forget about it.

# relationship
not about him.
he and i are prefect together.
nothing wrong xD
relationship means between friends.
hmm, well, it was alright i guess, problem is getting far apart..
no matter they are real close, real just a normal friend, or maybe just a stranger friend.
still getting far apart hmmm.
not as close anymore.
maybe everyone busy working i guess.
forget about it.

# life
life was alright.
planning to have a short trip with friends.
maybe nearby..
going to have a trip with him soon :D
but not so soon..
cousins having wedding soon, and sammi is coming back real soon..
and will bought some great stuff for me.
especially vitamin water.. and some pastel jeans.
oh yeah! ^^v
have to go KL for exam real soon ):
i hate going down alone for exam.
well it's compulsory i guess.

end.

Somebody asked

Somebody asked me a question.
Why u never said hi to your high school school mates?
Why u never close with them?
Why u never talk to them?
Why u never hang out with them?
Why u never...
Always started with this.

Firstly, they never said hi to me. Although I said hi first, they never replied.
They said hi to everyone except me.
So it's obvious that I'm awkward one that standing there being ignore.
Well never feel anything thou, just feel like leaving that place.

Secondly, close with them. I think I'm not till their standard? Or maybe we're in a different frequency.
We don't have any common interest.
Or common topics.
I close with some of them but not most of them.
Some since primary and some since form 1, never even speak like more than 10 sentences.
Just I'm the loner, they're like the popular ones.

Thirdly, talk to them. Very good question. Because they never talk to me before.. Don't say that I should make a move before them.. Tried and not working.
People are not meant to be.
Just some they just hang out with their same standards? Perhaps.

Fourth, hang out?! We don't even talk, how we hang out right?! But well, even thought IF we hang out, basically I will be the loner too. So basically I could just be loner myself rather than hanging out making myself even bored.

People always said that you must speak out & breakthrough to know people not waiting for them to know you.
But what I can said is if you're sincere and really want to be a friend, you won't mind which side start first.

After you know me, you will know the different.
Some people are meant to be more quiet, some are more noisy and talkative and big movement.
Sometimes it's annoying but since I'm not that close with them, that can be ignored.

Never feel sad although they ignore me in public.
Never feel angry.
Because it not something that I precious of.
High school life is never a fun life like what others usually said.
Some maybe are.. But for me, I seriously hate school. Not just the teacher & the memories too.
Especially high school.

People come and go.
I don't really care that it's worth it or not.
I know somebody someday out there..
There's more chances and people I'm meeting soon from around the world.
(:

CRUMPLE

Recently, it's not normal with me.

i'm not me anymore.

i can't handle any things that coming into my life anymore.

i really can't hold on.

one by one.

getting closer closer.

approaching a physcologist is the only way i could do right now.

every night before sleeping, thinking about it.

after waking up in the morning, thinking about it.

even dream also won't leave me alone.

why nobody wants to leave me alone?

i just want a peace of mind.

tear dries up.

heart shattered.

crashed dream.

never a new day for me.

after get used to the day he's working..

somehow, i have drown myself.

realizing that i'm just getting back off.

i hate that he work that job.

really and seriously but there's no point for say no to it.

because he done it.

and finished it.

no point of hating it anymore.

slowly day by day, getting used to it. 

accepting it with a big heart.

trying to act happy and fake when sending the message.

but it's not what i wanted to say.

behind the cell phone, it's a different side of me.

woman are fake.

and i don't know why i have to fake it.

maybe just to stay at my comfort zone from preventing getting into arguments.

protective much sometimes.

it's fine and alright.

wanted to stop devastating my parents once more.

entrance exam is nearby.

and i don't know why i feel like i don't own this.

i don't own this chance to hold on.

it is my dream?

or what my dad wanted me to be?

or just somehow people think what i should be?

after getting my result, my aunt called.

she asked why i'm like this..

how could i be that bad?

i wanted to tell her, i'm always that bad.

my result dropped and she thinks i could do a lot better than that.

she thinks i can achieve a higher level of result.

no.

i can't.

i know i shouldn't saying negative stuff.

but somehow, it's not my control anymore.

people said dating cause this.

i can say and people should believe it.

NO.

my result don't drop because i start dating.

it's just, it was never my plan or my dream to study form 6 at the first place.

i never wanted to stuck there.

it's all my dad.

what he said, i must listen.

he even told my aunt that i decided and willingly to go form 6.

how could he?

it's never the path i wanted to go.

i know the truth after getting the result.

but it's over.

somehow now, no more turning back.

it's all settled here and ended here.

what can i do more?

my head is blank right now.

i feel like giving up the entrance exam.

and i don't want to go Indonesia.

i know i'm lucky that i can go overseas and fully paid by my parents.

just something, you can't get it, you can't get it.

in the future, maybe what i want, i will get it no matter what.

maybe or maybe not.

lastly, finance.

forget about it.

really wth.

i know what can i do now.

and how much i really worth for.

i will bare it in mind.