CRUMPLE

Recently, it's not normal with me.

i'm not me anymore.

i can't handle any things that coming into my life anymore.

i really can't hold on.

one by one.

getting closer closer.

approaching a physcologist is the only way i could do right now.

every night before sleeping, thinking about it.

after waking up in the morning, thinking about it.

even dream also won't leave me alone.

why nobody wants to leave me alone?

i just want a peace of mind.

tear dries up.

heart shattered.

crashed dream.

never a new day for me.

after get used to the day he's working..

somehow, i have drown myself.

realizing that i'm just getting back off.

i hate that he work that job.

really and seriously but there's no point for say no to it.

because he done it.

and finished it.

no point of hating it anymore.

slowly day by day, getting used to it. 

accepting it with a big heart.

trying to act happy and fake when sending the message.

but it's not what i wanted to say.

behind the cell phone, it's a different side of me.

woman are fake.

and i don't know why i have to fake it.

maybe just to stay at my comfort zone from preventing getting into arguments.

protective much sometimes.

it's fine and alright.

wanted to stop devastating my parents once more.

entrance exam is nearby.

and i don't know why i feel like i don't own this.

i don't own this chance to hold on.

it is my dream?

or what my dad wanted me to be?

or just somehow people think what i should be?

after getting my result, my aunt called.

she asked why i'm like this..

how could i be that bad?

i wanted to tell her, i'm always that bad.

my result dropped and she thinks i could do a lot better than that.

she thinks i can achieve a higher level of result.

no.

i can't.

i know i shouldn't saying negative stuff.

but somehow, it's not my control anymore.

people said dating cause this.

i can say and people should believe it.

NO.

my result don't drop because i start dating.

it's just, it was never my plan or my dream to study form 6 at the first place.

i never wanted to stuck there.

it's all my dad.

what he said, i must listen.

he even told my aunt that i decided and willingly to go form 6.

how could he?

it's never the path i wanted to go.

i know the truth after getting the result.

but it's over.

somehow now, no more turning back.

it's all settled here and ended here.

what can i do more?

my head is blank right now.

i feel like giving up the entrance exam.

and i don't want to go Indonesia.

i know i'm lucky that i can go overseas and fully paid by my parents.

just something, you can't get it, you can't get it.

in the future, maybe what i want, i will get it no matter what.

maybe or maybe not.

lastly, finance.

forget about it.

really wth.

i know what can i do now.

and how much i really worth for.

i will bare it in mind.